


No Light, No Light.

by MyWolfIsAnAssbutt



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Blow Jobs, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Times, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Lots of drinking, M/M, One sided, People make bad choices, Pining, Slow Build, lots of swearing, they argue alot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-03-04 04:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13356480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyWolfIsAnAssbutt/pseuds/MyWolfIsAnAssbutt
Summary: This wasn't just an out of the blue, blind siding moment. This had been building for months- no years. He thinks back to the kiss they shared in Japan, the desire that had surged through him, Kimi's frantic kisses in the elevator. Somewhere inside he knows that this isn't a mistake at all...Or- Sebastian doesn't realise he loves Kimi until it's too late...





	1. You nurse your battle scars but you leave my heart to bleed

**Author's Note:**

> OK, so I've been working on this fic for a few months now and it's still a WIP (I have so many its a joke).  
> It's gonna get rough up ahead and there is infidelity in this fic, so if you don't like that then please don't read. It's also in a 'present' chapter then 'flashback' chapter format. It might be a bit confusing but I'm planning on putting date stamps at the start of the chapters.  
> Also, the boys might be a bit OOC for a while but hopefully everything will be explained. Hope you enjoy!

September 2018

Kimi had taken them out to dinner at the week of Italian Grand Prix that year.

It was himself, Maurizio, Stefania, Britta and both their race engineers who'd been invited to the famous Ristorante Montana in Modena. Sebastian should've know as soon as Kimi asked all of them to dinner that something was wrong, that something was going to happen.

 

It wasn't exactly the most conspicuous place in Italy for a group of Ferrari personnel to eat.

 

The famous restaurant itself was a hot-bed for die-hard _Tfosi ._ Walls were plastered in Scuderia memorabilia, drivers pictures smiling down on customers and flags pinned to every surface. Yet they were shown through to a private room, only used for visits from the scuderia and other high profile guests and given their privacy.

 

Mama Rosella had been delighted to see them- Sebastian would never admit it out loud but he was always jealous that Kimi was her favourite- and she had fed and watered them (with a lot of wine), leaving them to talk business.

 

Overall, it had been a wonderful night. They'd laughed- a lot- and talked about their personal lives not just the racing. Sebastian can remember the way Kimi had stared at him all night, his gaze burning holes into the side of his head. And every time he'd turned to stare right back, Kimi had blushed furiously but met his gaze, unflinching. They had instinctively sat beside one another at the dinner table, during the night they had subconsciously shuffled their chairs closer together- bodies brushing one another with zero regards to personal space...

 

Sebastian should've known something was wrong.

* * *

The moment Sebastian realised that Kimi had invited them here for a reason was just before Kimi had actually spoken the words out loud.

 

He had cleared his throat suddenly, interrupting the conversation around the table and stood up. His whole body was tense and his grip on the glass of red wine tightened as his other hand came to nervously rub the side of his jaw. He glanced to his left, to Sebastian, eyes meeting and he knew- right there. In that moment he _knew_.

 

Kimi had opened his mouth before Sebastian had blurted out,“Why are we here Kimi?”

 

And Kimi stood gaping for a moment, mouth opening and closing, unable to form any sort of sound.

 

Maurizio had leant forward onto his elbows which were resting on the table as Stefania placed a hand of reassurance on his bicep. No one spoke, looking only at the two of them, waiting for the ticking bomb to finally go off.

 

Sebastian raised his hand slowly- as if he were approaching a spooked animal- and squeezed at Kimi's elbow, his anxiety making his body shake. “Kimi...” He asked, worry clear in his voice, “What's wrong?”

 

The touch was enough to break the trance Kimi had entered and he gulped down the wine before he broke the news that had been worming its way deep into his consciousness for a long time now.

 

“I'm retiring at the end of this season.” He said calmly, not missing a beat and when he spoke, his eyes never leaving the scared face of Sebastian.

 

Stefania and Britta had gasped ever so slightly and Maurizio leaned even farther over the table, nearly reaching out to the Finn.

 

“Right.” Maurizio had said, “When- How long have you... been thinking this? Does Sergio-”

 

“Yes.” Kimi interrupted, eyes still trained to Sebastian, who had now taken to staring blankly past Kimi to the oak panelled wall. “I spoke to Marchionne last week and I've been thinking this for a while now- since Malaysia last year. I think... I just- I think it's time.”

 

Maurizio nodded, sipping his glass of water. “Of course it is up to you but I think- that for me at least- you are still too good to let go.” He smiled across to his driver, eyes crinkling.

 

Finally Kimi had broken his gaze from Seb to look over to his boss, a man who'd slowly become like a father to him over the years and laughed. “I'm glad that someone thinks this! I feel ready now and I wanted to tell you all together. To me, you are the my most close friends in the team, never forget this- we're only missing Gino, no?”

 

The tension broken, they had all gotten up to embrace him and congratulate him on his career. There were a few tears but all in all everyone had seemed happy for him. Everyone except Sebastian, who had stopped glaring at the wall only to glare at Kimi instead.

 

Nobody even noticed that Sebastian hadn't moved an inch until they settled back down again and Stefania proposed a toast to Kimi.

 

They all sat, glasses raised high and she laughed over at him, “C'mon Seb, don't you want to wish Kimi luck?”

 

“No.” he snapped.

 

Everyone stopped, taken aback at the cold and unusual response from him. And Kimi's body deflated, as if he was expecting this and he sighed, turning to Sebastian with a soft look in his eyes.

 

He reached and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Seb...” he murmured quietly, as if he was talking to a small child.

 

“No!” Sebastian had snapped, flinging Kimi's hand off his shoulder and stood up so quickly that the chair had clattered to the floor behind him. “This isn't-” he started, “You're not meant to- No!”

 

A hush fell over the room as everyone turned to watch them.

 

Kimi was now on his feet as well, hands facing Seb, palms open in what would normally be a placating manner. Yet this only made Sebastian angrier. “Seb, please don't-” he glanced around, leaning in closer, voice lowering to a whisper. “Don't do this now... not here.”

 

“Don't do this here?!” He snapped back, pushing at his shoulders, satisfied as Kimi had stumbled back slightly. “Fuck you Kimi! I can't believe this, I _knew_... I fucking _knew_ that something was up. I just didn't- I really didn't expect this from you Kimi. I can't believe you're giving this all up and that you've been thinking about it for so long!”

 

Britta, by this time, had made her way over to her friend and was hovering cautiously over his shoulder- shaking her head at Maurizio who was poised to intervene in the argument between his two drivers.

 

Sebastian's eyes were now swimming with tears of both anger and betrayal as he looked up to the ceiling, willing them not to fall.

 

Kimi also looked very upset, for once his face displaying all the emotions he was currently feeling, most especially the hurt that marred his face. “Sebby _please_ , we should talk about this later. I just feel like this is my time and I really wanted to enjoy this moment with all of you.”

 

Sebastian had gasped in his efforts to keep his tears at bay before he'd looked at Kimi with utter betrayal. “I'm not letting you do this to-to...to us! I won't let you, you hear me?!”

 

He walked right into Kimi's personal space and prodded him with his index finger, “You're not quitting, ok?”

 

Before Kimi had a chance to reply, Sebastian had grabbed the jacket over his chair, stormed out the private room, ignoring the calls for him to come back and ignoring the curious faces of the restaurant goers- who'd quite clearly heard all the drama and yelling coming from the Ferrari 'meeting'.

 

Outside he finally let his tears fall as he wrapped the jacket he'd grabbed on the way out closer to his body. Searching the pockets and sighing in relief, he discovered a packet of cigarettes in the pocket. Smoking was not a regularity in his life but right now he needed the distraction.

 

Once he'd finished the cigarette, he retreated back into the comfort of the jacket. As he buried his head in the collar, he inhaled the scent of the owner- choking on his sobs when he realised that it was Kimi's- that Kimi had placed his jacket over his own on the back of his chair.

 

He stood there for a while, his sobs the only noise echoing through the silence of the dead night.

 

Sebastian should've known something was wrong...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far then thanks! I'm planning on uploading Chap 2 quite soon b/c I feel this is a bit short. I've got so many bits and shit written of this fic but I'm stupidly starting to publish it as I go back to uni.  
> Anyways, feel free to leave a comment, feedback, questions and if you liked it (which I hope you all do), then a kudos would be appreciated. :D


	2. It was the Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments on the previous chapter!  
> I'm back with another! It's a flashback, it's a bit short- sorry :( - but it's just a little something. I'm starting back Uni this week, so I probably will be too busy to post during the week but I hope you enjoy.

June 2003

The first time Sebastian had met the illustrious Kimi Räikkönen was the at the Nürburgring, 2003.

Sebastian was a brace-wearing, awkward 16 year old who'd been invited to watch the race weekend from Michael Schumacher's garage as a karting prize. He spent most of his time gazing in awe at his surroundings, seeing various celebrities and drivers, breathing in the smell of burnt rubber and oil, dreaming of being part of the Formula 1 paddock.

The whole weekend Kimi hadn't been particularly impressive but qualifying came and he snatched it last minute from the hands of Michael, oddly causing the mostly German crowd to scream in joy at the Finn's first pole position.

Later that day, he was watching the hustle and bustle of the paddock around him from the inside of the Ferrari hospitality when he saw him.

He watched enchanted as Kimi wandered through the paddock, his race suit tied hastily around his waist, his Nomex top clinging to his muscular body and his hair a tousled blonde mess. He was talking to the guys around him then he suddenly threw his head back, exposing his smooth, muscular neck and laughed with such childish delight at whatever his friends had told him.

Sebastian didn't know what it was but he couldn't pull his eyes away from this strangely out of character _Iceman_.

Michael had been asking him about his karting and future plans when he finally noticed what had stolen the younger man's attention. “Curious little thing, isn't he?”

Sebastian blushed hard and finally snapped his attention back to Michael, “I wasn't- I just didn't know he could laugh? Just looks... different that's all.”

Michael barked out a laugh, causing heads to turn in their direction, “Different in a good way?” He asked curiously, studiously searching the young boys face. “He's a bit old for you, no?”

Sebastian's face flamed hot once more, red blotches scattered across his neck now as well. “No- that's not!”

He waved his hands frantically in front of him, eyes as wide as plates. “I don't _fancy_ him! God no! I like girls. I just, wonder what he's like... you know?”

Michael shrugged, indifferent. “He's actually nice, I like him.” He stopped, mulling something over in his mind before he jumped up, pulling Sebastian along with him. “Here, let me introduce you!”

 

Ignoring Sebastian's protests, he dragged him over to the group of guys standing outside the McLaren hospitality area- halting the conversation that was going on in some sort of weird language that he suddenly realises must be Finnish.

“Sorry, excuse us but Kimi, someone wants to meet you.” Michael interrupted.

Sebastian wanted to die in that moment as everyone turned to look at him, this wasn't fair. “Erm... Hi, I'm Sebastian Vettel- it's really nice to meet you, I love your work.”

Oh god, had he just said that? The men around him sniggered behind their hands, mocking the 16 year old who was as red as a tomato under the pensive but kind gaze of Kimi Räikkönen.

He shut up the laughing men with one word in Finnish and a threatening glare then turned smiling slightly at the youngster, holding out his hand to shake. “Hello Sebastian,” He said, saying his name in almost the French way, running the end all together. “I'm Kimi it's nice to meet you. So do you race?”

Sebastian gaped in disbelief, Kimi fucking Räikkönen was actually interested in his life. “I- yes- I do karting, it's actually why I'm here this weekend. I won the European karting championship last year and spending a weekend with Michael was my prize.”

Kimi smile grew and he nodded, “Right so you must be pretty fucking good then, yeah?”

Michael tutted at Kimi, giving him a light tap on the back of the head for swearing in front of the kid and Kimi rolled his eyes. Sebastian felt a bit awkward, so he just shrugged instead of actually answering.

“You thinking about GP3 or even F1 yet?” Kimi asked, tilting his head to one side in an interested manner.

Sebastian nodded, still in disbelief that he even cared, “Y-Yeah, I'm racing in the Formula BMW championship this year but I have a pre-contract for GP3 and I want to be F1 world champion one day.”

Kimi had smiled at him then and ruffled his hair, “You and me both kid. But I'll be sure to remember the name-Vettel wasn't it?” Staring in awe, Sebastian nodded and Kimi smirked back at him, “... could be a big thing one day.” And with that he had walked away, his gaggle of friends following him, laughing away.

 

Sadly the next day Kimi's engine blew up while he was leading and although he was Michael's main rival for the title, he still felt sad that Kimi retired.

When his parent's came to get him from the circuit he just couldn't shut up about the weekend. He was about to get into the car when he seen a blonde man walking towards the parking lot, chatting away to a beautiful brunette, holding her hand.

Smiling he was about to wave to him when his dad beeped the horn. “Sebastian! Get in, come on. We can't leave Fabian with your sisters much longer, Melanie is going out.”

Sebastian blushed as the couple looked up to see him staring at him. Shyly he waved to Kimi and he felt a rush of warmth as Kimi waved back enthusiastically, giving him a thumbs up.

* * *

3 years later, when the news had broke that Sebastian had got the test seat at Sauber F1 he received a letter from Kimi.

“ _Congratulations,_ ” It said, “ _Told you I'd remember you. See you on track at testing kid._ ”

Sebastian had grinned wide and pinned the handwritten letter to his notice board in his room, next to his Michael, Ferrari and the small Kimi Raikkonen posters.

 

Kimi sure hadn't forgotten who he was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment and some kudos (if you haven't already).  
> Based this one off a post on tumblr that showed Seb at this race in 2003 and Kimi saying they'd been friends for 10 years, in 2013.
> 
> Kimi totally wanted baby, goofy Seb as a friend. Hahaha :P


	3. It Started Out With A Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Sorry that it's taken me so long to update this but I've been sick and Uni is a bitch. Hopefully i'll start to get into a once a week kinda rhythm with this story now. Hope you enjoy!

October 2018

For the second time in his career, Kimi announced his retirement from F1 at the Japanese Grand Prix.

Since Kimi had broken the news to them in Italy, the relationship between himself and Sebastian had changed. Seb had stopped hanging around him so much, they occasionally spoke before the drivers parade but outside the paddock, he mostly avoided him.

Britta kept on catching Kimi staring at him from a distance, when his back was turned. She told him that he wanted to talk, that he was sorry but there was something inside of Sebastian that was hurting and it was stopping him from letting Kimi come near- which in itself was strange because Sebastian missed his best friend like hell too.

The tensions between the two of them were so obvious that you didn't need to be an insider to know that something had changed between the Ferrari duo. It was because of these tensions that the press created stories about their relationship and the 'real' reason behind Kimi retiring.

 

                                                                                                   “ _Vettel ousts Räikkönen”_ ;

_“Sebastian Vettel the real reason for Kimi Räikkönen's retirement?”_

_“World War Ferrari: Insider says, Vettel and Räikkönen have not spoken to each other in months.”._

 

Such headlines were covering all the papers in the motorsport world and Sebastian felt guilty that somehow he'd made Kimi's retirement about him.

They'd chosen Ricciardo to replace him- someone both Ferrari and Sebastian himself could get along with. Sebastian had to admit that he did feel apprehensive that this guy who'd beaten him easy in his first year with Red Bull, was now joining the team where he felt at home. His mind and body ached for the reassurances that Kimi had offered to him back in 2014 when he would regularly knock on his hotel room door at 2am, lost, sometimes drunk and a mess looking for advice.

Sebastian thought that if he was asked one more time about his friendship with Kimi breaking down- he might have to step out in front of one of the Mercs on the finishing straight. No one seemed to believe that Kimi was retiring because he wanted to, trying to pin the blame on Sebastian himself.

The weekend was made harder for them both. Focusing on a race was hard enough without the extra pressure added from the rumours and the press about the internal affairs of Ferrari making the weekend almost impossible.

However, it did push Sebastian back to Kimi. On Saturday, himself and Kimi had qualified 1st and 2nd respectively. Overjoyed for what this meant for his championship chances, Seb instinctively jumped out of his car on the grid and ran over to his teammate, pulling him into a tight embrace.

The Japanese fans went wild and Sebastian felt Kimi pull up his visor. “Seb...” He muttered brokenly, barely audible over the crowd. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about before. I-”

Sebastian shushed him and just pulled him close once again, “We're okay...” he whispered, both of them clutching at the other like their lives depended on it. Sebastian buried his head, the best he could with his helmet on, into the crook of Kimi's neck. “I promise, we're okay.”

The next day they achieved a 1-2 at the race, sealing Sebastian's 5th world championship. In the cool down room he cried, clutching at Kimi's shoulders as Kimi told him how proud he was and tried to calm him down. On the podium, they laughed through their tears and hugged one another close, briefly clasping hands like they had in Hungary a year previously.

 

* * *

 

That night they partied hard, rivalling the famous Schumacher party of 2003. With the drivers championship secure, it was inevitable that the next race would seal the constructors for them too. Sebastian had been very emotional- he'd finally achieved what he'd wanted his whole life, emulating his great hero Michael Schumacher by winning the championship with Ferrari.

The entire garage and half the paddock- including some drivers- had taken over a small but extremely popular club in Suzuka. Sebastian was delightfully drunk after being plied with congratulatory drinks all night and kept dragging Kimi up to dance with him, still feeling the need to grovel to him for acting like such a brat.

Some seductive bass number played overhead as they both danced closer and closer until, eventualy they were grinding on one another, drunk and exhilarated. Sebastian couldn't help but look over into the piercing cold blue eyes of his best friend while they danced. In that moment something in Sebastian's brain clicked and suddenly he looked incredibly irresistible. Head thrown back mouthing the words to the song; his hair slightly wet with sweat and stray drinks- his shirt opened so his pale, slick skin peaked through and he was so close that his smell permeated around Sebastian, making his head spin.

Unable to control his rational thoughts and his body, he had surged up and pressed his lips firmly to Kimi's.

It was nothing they hadn't done before. Loads of times they had kissed while drunk but it meant nothing. They were just innocent kisses between two drunken friends, both finding it hilarious actually.

This however, was different to those that had come before it.

There was a pause and Sebastian held his breath, waiting for a sign, for a punch to the face even. He couldn't breath even if he tried, but he also couldn't unfurl his fists from Kimi's shirt or pull away. It felt like the most awkward moment in all eternity, standing pressing his lips to his friends unmoving ones.

He was starting to pull away, resigned, before Kimi finally grabbed his waist, pulling him close to his body as he responded eagerly and Sebastian moaned into his mouth. Blood rushed through his ears and the cocktail of happy chemicals flooded his body, giving him a high. They kissed in a way that he hadn't kissed someone in a long time, no one paying attention to them on the crowed dance floor. Desperately and messily their mouths pressed hot, wet kisses to the others lips- tongues licking into each others mouths and gasping as their hands grabbed at any bit of body they could find.

They had finally broken off the kiss, wide-eyed and panting hard, lips swollen and red. They both knew that something changed, that they'd crossed an invisible boundary. Kimi's gaze raked over his body under the strobe lighting, making Sebastian feel hot wherever he'd looked. He leaned towards him again, almost instinctively before Kimi decided that they should go back to his room... to talk.

The taxi ride back had been silent but the air was thick with anticipation and fingers twitched as they resisted the urge to reach out and grab. When they arrived to the hotel, Kimi had pinned Sebastian up against the wall of the elevator, moulding himself to the younger man's body, hips searching for that much needed friction and Sebastian had whined, panting Kimi's name, overloaded by new sensations.

When they stumbled into the hotel room, only breaking their kiss to walk from the elevator, once again he found himself pinned against the Finn. Sebastian had never felt so pathetic before, unable to do much but clutch at Kimi and whimper as Kimi licked and bit into the sensitive skin of his neck. Tentatively, he pulled Kimi back up to kiss him, fingers tangling into his short blonde hair. As he gave it a slight tug, he couldn't help but smirk as Kimi groaned against his lips and bucked his hips into his friends.

Growing a bit more bold, he kissed across his jaw, and took his earlobe into his mouth, nipping it quickly as he began giving attention to his neck. Not really thinking, he let Kimi guide them out of the hallway as he continued to try and give him a hickey. Just as he was making progress, Kimi pulled him away and kissed him more softly this time- leaning him back onto the bed as he straddled him.

Not one to give up so easily, he began attacking Kimi's neck again, only to be told a soft, 'No'. Unsure of whether he didn't like hickey's or just didn't want a visible mark, he stopped, content just to feel his lips on his own for a while.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, Sebastian had stopped him from kissing him again, asking him to lie down beside him. Kimi had invited him here to talk and he felt the need to apologise and explain himself once again.

“I want you to forgive me Kimi.” He began, holding up a hand to silence Kimi's protests. “No, please listen... I'm sorry for how I've handled this Kimi. I really am and I just wanted to let you know that. So, please... forgive me?” Sebastian had whispered, voice small and arms wrapped around themselves.

Kimi sighed, looking at him with soft eyes filled with deep affection. “How can I forgive you when you've done nothing wrong?” He reached out to hold Seb's hand in his own, “Sebby... I won't lie to you and say that I wasn't hurt by how you reacted but it's over now. I'm just glad we're talking again and I can finally enjoy these moments with you because there's no one else that I'd rather spend my last few races with.”

Sebastian's face had crumpled and he cried, pressing his face into Kimi's hard chest, wetting his shirt with his tears. “Why are you so good to me? All I've ever done is screwed you over in this team and now I've wasted so much time fighting with you. How can we ever get those moments back? We won't Kimi! I've wasted so much time and I hate myself for it.”

“No Sebby... god no! We can always look back in hindsight and say we could've done this or that, but time machines don't exist. Let's just be happy now and move on.” Kimi muttered, kissing the crown of dirty blonde curls atop Sebastian's head.

That night he cried himself to sleep in Kimi's arms and in the morning he woke up, head throbbing and embarrassed at the mess he'd been the night previous.

' _What the fuck have I done?'_ He thought to himself as images of them making out hotly flashed through his mind. Since when had he seen Kimi in that way? As someone he wanted to love deeply and passionately...like a lover...

He unfurled himself from his teammates arms and left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... they've kissed. Hmmm, I'm hoping that everyone acting so OOC (mostly Seb) will all make sense in the end and the jumps aren't too confusing. I originally was going to write this as a one shot but it started to get too long and I have so many evil cliff hangers planned. ;D 
> 
> Please, please feel free to give me some feedback and if you haven't already some love...in the form of Kudos! :P


	4. Said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I suck at updating, this chap has literally been ready for weeks but I just haven't posted it. I just don't know how I'm actually feeling about this fic now, it makes sense to me but hopefully you guys (or my 2 readers ahaha) will get it? and won't be too mad at how OOC the guys are rn. I don't really write them this way but I feel like they need to be like this for stuff to work :P

26th May 2019

The first few races of the 2019 F1 season were hard for Sebastian. Daniel was as quick as he ever was and despite trying and racing hard, the Australian just couldn't be beaten.

He'd gotten points consistently and was sitting 3rd in the championship behind Bottas and Ricciardo but he was still searching for that first win of the season. He missed seeing his best friend and old team mate around the paddock from the first race of the season. He kept searching the paddock, the crowd, the racetrack for his Finn- but he had stuck true to his word and had left the F1 circus for good.

He missed him most after the races. Kimi and himself would always do something after the race- whether good or bad- party, talk or fly home together but now he wasn't here to do that.

There were still parties and Sebastian still went to them but he missed the drunken antics of Kimi, who'd convince him into smoking with him or jokingly kissing him throughout the night and laughing as Sebastian pretended to be disgusted.

Daniel just wasn't the same. Yes he partied hard and they got on well together, but Sebastian missed Kimi's advice, his soft voice mumbling reassurances into his ear and the fleeting touches of comfort they'd shared.

* * *

 

He finally won his first race of the season at Monaco and he was so relieved that he'd finally beaten Daniel. All weekend he hoped in vein that Kimi would somehow make an appearance, along with the rest of the famous elite who dedicated their weekend to watching the race.

Hanna had left him to go and spend time with the girls after the obligatory royal dinner. Sebastian had shrugged indifferent, their relationship was in a rough spot just now anyway since Sebastian had told Hanna he didn't want any more kids. He went to the amber lounge and got drunk beyond belief- feeling a bit sorry for himself and decided that he wanted to speak to Kimi and ask him where he was.

As he gazed out onto the water, he began thinking about his best friend, yes he still believed he was his best friend, and couldn't help but smile at the memories they'd shared here for many years. Yes, perhaps they weren't here for each others victories but they sure as hell had a good night out when they were here. His heart pained for his friend, for that person who had been a constant and pillar of support for so many years in his life.

He almost hated how much he missed him, it was something akin to homesickness.

Deciding that enough was enough, he decided to pluck up the courage to make the first move in getting his best friend back. Sitting slouched down on a bench along the promenade as the world spun around him,  he clutched his phone tightly, waiting with baited breath as it rang Switzerland.

The two of them hadn't spoke in months since he'd argued with Kimi at the Maranello christmas lunch .

It rang 5 times before there was a click and then a voice spoke, “Seb?”

Sebastian said nothing, breathing down the line and listening to the sounds from the other side of the phone.

“Seb? Hello...is that you?"

"Ki-" He started but the rest of his name got stuck in his throat as his mouth ran dry from nerves.

"Sebby? Is everything alright?...Sebastian?!” Kimi said, voice rising in volume as Sebastian didn't answer him.

Sebastian sighed deeply, rubbing a hand over his face and swallowing his fear away furiously. “Kimi.” he breathed out, smiling.

“Sebastian...Hi.” Kimi replied.

“Are you ok?” he slurred, “Hows it going? You watch the race today?”

Kimi chuckled at the other end, “Yes, congratulations. Are you very drunk?”

Sebastian laughed back, “Maybe just a lil' bit drunk. Had to celebrate.”

Kimi laughed again, “Very good, proud of you Seb. So, why are you calling me? Hanna kicked you out because you're an annoying brat?”

“I don't care what she's doing.” Sebastian started to laugh but then stopped when Kimi didn't laugh with him.

There was an awkward pause and Sebastian cleared his throat before talking again. “The real question is, where are you? Hmm?” Sebastian sighed deeply and rubbed his hand over his face. “Why aren't you here Kimi?”

Phoning him now and actually hearing him,  _speaking_   _to him again_ , was making Sebastian ache a little inside. He just missed him so so much and he felt as though Kimi didn't care about him like he valued him and their friendship. He wanted it just to go back to the way it was before.

Kimi sighed on the other end of the line, “You know why I'm not there Sebastian. I told you that when I left F1 it was for good and I'm never coming back. Plus, Minttu had a baby scan today so I couldn't have come even if I wanted to.”

   Ah yes, Sebastian had forgot about the new baby on the way. He'd found it out a few months ago as he was scrolling through his twitter feed, he was still a bit bitter about Kimi not personally telling him about it.

“Everything ok?” he asked politely.

“Yes.” Kimi answered.

“Okay” Sebastian replied, ready to hang up the phone when a yell from the other line stopped him.

“Wait! Seb!” Kimi yelled and Sebastian held the phone back up to his ear, “Come and visit soon please... I miss you.”

Sebastian's eyes began to sting a little, “I miss you too.” he whispered back and hung up.

 

It was the first time they'd talked in months.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so another chapter, yeah I know it's on the short side but please feel free to leave a comment about anything. Hope you enjoyed, please hang in there for my next update- I do have technically 3 more chapters already written! :)  
> Thanks.


	5. Heartbreak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I think i'm getting better at this updating thing. I just keep having exams and then start writing bits of other WIPs instead of finishing this ahaha.  
> Hope you enjoy this latest flashback chapter.  
> *Also, just a small disclaimer- I obvs don't know the truth behind Kimi's split with Jenni, i've just taken artistic license with the rumours that were flying about at the time. I also don't hate Hanna, so forgive me if she's a bit of a bitch here! :/ *

**January 2013**

 

Back in late 2012, early 2013 during the winter break, Kimi's wife of nearly 9 years decided that she was leaving him. It was only the second time in his life that Sebastian had ever seen Kimi so utterly destroyed, the second being when his father passed in 2010.

Kimi had called him at 3am in the morning, much to his annoyance waking him up, so drunk he was incoherent.

“Sebby...” He slurred over the phone, yelling over the loud music in the background, “Sebby, youhavetopickmeup!”

Sebastian sat up, half asleep and confused. “Kimi.. what? Where are you? Are you drunk?”

Kimi laughed in response, “Yesh!” he giggled, “I am very drunk- * _hic*_ \- Sebby you have. to pick. me up. Please... this man is yelling at me and I just want to go home and sleep because they won't give me any more vodka.”

Sebastian sighed, irritated. “Ok- where are you and I'll call someone to pick you up.”

“NO!” Kimi yelled, hiccuping again over the phone. “ Please Seb- it needs...'needs to be you.”

Sebastian had rolled his eyes but had already gotten up to find some clothes, “Why does it need to be me Kimi? Honestly, I could murder you right now.”

There was silence over the other end of the phone and Sebastian laid his phone down to thrown on some jogging pants. When he picked it up again, Kimi still hadn't replied and all he could hear was the thumping bass.

“Kimi... Are you alright? Hallo?” He asked worried, and he threw on his jumper.

He then heard the sounds of sniffling before a teary Kimi Raikkonen spoke. “I'm really sorry Seb.” He sobbed, “I can't do anything right. Shit... It doesn't matter- I'm sorry.”

“No, wait Kimi! Wait! I'm sorry, I'll come and pick you up. Just hang tight.” He answered wondering why he was so upset.

He grabbed his car keys and pressed a kiss to a sleeping Hanna's head. Getting into his car, he blasted on the heaters, de-icing the windscreen and headed down to the club about half an hour away from his house, worried for Kimi.

When he picked the crying Kimi up, apologising to the angry bouncers he prayed that there was no paparazzi about- for Kimi's sake. He drove them back to his house and he dumped Kimi into his guest room, telling him they'd talk in the morning.

                             ~***~

The next day, a sober but still very upset Kimi had explained to him that his wife had been having an affair for the last 3 years and was now leaving him for this guy. To make it all worse, she was pregnant and wanted a 30€ million settlement from him.

“You can't be serious? Oh Kimi, I'm so sorry.” He said, hugging his friend who sniffed over his coffee.

“It's ok. I just don't get it. Y'know? Was it me? Is it because of my job? Was I too selfish for her? I mean, yes I've cheated on her maybe once or twice but that was just sex... it wasn't- And I only did it because I knew she was sleeping around!”

Sebastian rubbed his back sympathetically, “You're not to blame for this. She is.” he stopped, looking at him worried. “Listen- I want you to stay with me and Hanna here for a little while, just until I know you're ok.”

Kimi had snorted, “I'm not a baby Seb. I'll be okay alone.”

Sebastian shook his head, “Last night and the fact you're still upset tells me different. And Mark is going to kill you if you go on another binge.”

Kimi had shrugged and agreed with him, sipping his black coffee.

 

* * *

Kimi spent the next month and a half living with Hanna and himself- much to Hanna's annoyance, she wasn't the biggest fan of Kimi's ever since he convinced Sebastian to streak naked through the neighbourhood when drunk a couple years back.

Despite it being such a difficult time for Kimi, Sebastian and he grew closer due to his struggles. He was there for him throughout the whole divorce proceedings: helping him when he was sick after drinking, protecting him from the press and chucking out the girls who he's slept with when they threatened to blackmail him.

                ~***~

It was on one of these evenings where Kimi had gotten drunk in their villa that Hanna finally lost it at him.

“God look at you!” She yelled as Kimi slouched on the living room couch, watching a rally re-run, gripping a bottle of vodka in his hand. “When are you going to leave us alone?! You've been here nearly 2 months Kimi! You're pathetic, all you do is drink and fuck whatever airhead you can pick up at a bar.”

“What's going on? Hanna...” Sebastian had interrupted, walking in from walking the dog in the icy winter afternoon, trying to calm her down.

“No Seb.” She snapped, spinning back to face the inebriated Finn, who has now stood up- bottle and tv discarded as he looked at his girlfriend with watery eyes.

She pointed viciously at him with a finger, “You're not even wanted here Kimi. I don't want you here, Seb doesn't want you here. He's only letting you stay because he feels sorry for you and your sad life.... And you wonder why Jenni left you?!”

“Hanna!” shouted Sebastian as Kimi gasped, tears flowing down his cheeks. “Kimi she doesn't mean that- please!”

Kimi shook his head, “I better go.” He said, voice wobbling, ignoring Sebastian's yells to come back. He grabbed one of the car keys off the hook at the door and unlocked the saloon Audi parked in the gravel driveway.

Sebastian yelled out to him once more as he jumped in. He had just turned on the ignition and put the car into gear when Sebastian jumped into the car. “Stop Kimi! You can't drive anywhere this drunk, think about it! You'll lose your license, your career and maybe even your life!”

Kimi rubbed his eyes angrily and shrugged, “Maybe I don't give a shit any more Seb. Now get out or I swear to god, I'll drive off with you in the car.”

Sebastian had shook his head and buckled himself in, “If you want to go then you'll have to take me with you.”

“Fine!” Kimi had snarled and hit the gas, causing the tyres to spin up, throwing gravel everywhere as they headed down towards the electric gates that lined the Vettel's drive. He looked to his right, searching for the gate key, not looking where he was going when the car suddenly slide on a patch of unmelted ice and spun smashing into the brick wall at the gate with force.

Sebastian had woken up to the sound of a siren blaring and someone shouting and crying at him, tapping his face as their tears splashed onto his cheeks. As his electric blue eyes fluttered open, Kimi had cried out in relief, clutching him close and rocking him.

“I'm sorry Sebby. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm such a fucking idiot.” Kimi cried over and over, nearly suffocating him with the grip he had him in.

And Sebastian had soothed him, hand brushing over the back of his blonde head as Kimi cried.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Kimi sat and had a long talk with Hanna, deciding that he should start getting his life back together and move home again, whilst Sebastian eavesdropped from outside the doorway.

“Kimi...” She sighed, gently holding his hand over the counter, he flinched but didn't pull away. “Listen, I'm very sorry for the way I spoke to you yesterday, it was so wrong, I know how tough this split has been.”

Kimi shrugged, “I couldn't stop myself. I've dedicated 10 years of my life to her and giving her all she wished for, and then....”

Hanna holds his hand a bit tighter, feeling even more guilty as his head drops to his chest, fighting back tears. “Oh Kimi,” She whispers, “I'm so sorry, I hope you can forgive me. I was just- It's no excuse but I was just thinking of Seb. He was getting so worried about you. He wasn't sleeping at night and he was so scared that you'd do something silly whilst drunk. He just wanted to protect you and I wanted to protect him.”

Kimi finally looked up at her, smiling softly before gently patting her hand. “It's okay Hanna. I forgive you, I didn't realise how much it was affecting Seb. I think I just need to go home now and get back to normalcy.”

Hanna stood at the same time he did, unsure. “I don't know Kimi. Are you sure you'll be ok?”

Kimi smiled, “Yes, I'll invite my brother and his kids over so I won't be lonely. Thank you Hanna, for everything.”

Sebastian smiled and ducked into the downstairs bathroom as Kimi left the kitchen, happy that his two favourite people had made up.

Later, when Kimi hugged him at the front door, suitcases already packed in the car to head home, he told Sebastian something that he'd never forget. “If I ever harm you, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I love you Seb, okay?”

And Sebastian had nodded, hugging him close and smiling as he breathed in his scent from his shirt collar.

Make that three times that he'd seen Kimi so upset.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I know I have a few loyal supporters, so even if no one else reads the fic, I want to get it finished for you guys! :)  
> Please feel free to leave me any feedback.


	6. Trying to forget but temptation surrounds me (Pt. 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's been a while but I'm just stuck in writing the next coupe of chapters. I hope you enjoy and that you're all still following the story well :)

**29th May 2019**

After Monaco , there is a three week break. He, Hanna and the kids all land back in Switzerland on the Monday night, Hanna is still angry at him and even he knows that he fucked up over the weekend.

Once they get home, Sebastian decides to order them in something- because he literally cannot cook without burning the kitchen down- and he spends the whole of dinner grovelling to his wife before she finally sighs and tells him that he's forgiven.

Sebastian gives her a smile that he knows she finds irresistible and its not long before the girls are in bed and they're both sitting on the couch, Hanna sipping a glass of white wine and he drinking a beer while he massages Hanna's feet which are in his lap. In the background some film is playing but neither of them are interested in it. Since he'd gotten off the phone with Kimi on Sunday, he'd felt a certain lightness, as though a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Soon his massage turns into a make out session and as he kisses his wife he lets himself go- forgetting everything but this moment with the women he loves. Hanna's hands dance across his athletic body and she sighs with pleasure as he kisses and nips all her sensitive spots. They make love right there, on the faux fur rug of the living room (he thinks its tacky but Hanna loves it) both of them feeling more connected after it and more comfortable than they had felt in a long time since their fight about having more children.

Afterwards, he holds her close and she smiles softly up at him, glowing in the post-sex bliss and runs her long nails through his dirty blonde curls. Something about it feels just like a reset almost. He's made up with Hanna and hopefully, once he sees Kimi, he'll have made up with him too. Maybe he could even come to the next race?

He decides to break the comfortable silence and tells Hanna his plans for the break, “I called Kimi on Sunday.”

Hanna stops running her hand through his hair and looks up at him. “You did? Well, what did he have to say? Was he still mad at you?”

Sebastian shakes his head, Hanna knew they'd fought but she didn't know why. “No, he sounded...happy actually to hear from me.”

He suddenly cannot help the boyish grin that spreads across his face, “Said he misses me and he wants me to come see him between the grand prix.”

Hanna hums and presses a kiss to his chest, right above his heart. “I'm glad to hear that- We should try and all get together for dinner one night- both the families? You could invite them here if you'd like, I don't mind cooking.”

Sebastian thinks about it and then nods, “That's a great idea- as long as you don't mind! I'll help out as much as I can. But I'm also thinking of going to that Motocross tournament that's being held in Austria this weekend with Kimi- he can get us passes with his team. Oh! And we might do some other stuff, like badminton and hiking.”

As though he's been shocked, he jumps up in a panic, realising all the stuff he needs to arrange with Kimi in order to organise their activities and time together. He pulls on his boxers and grabs his phone out of his jeans pocket and heads in the direction of his study.

“Seb,” Hanna calls out, still on the floor and it stops Sebastian in his tracks just as he's about to turn the corner.

"Yes?” He answers back, eyes shining with excitement and he's nearly bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Hanna smiles back at him, not wanting to break this sudden mood of happiness and amity between them. “It's nothing...Just remember to ask about dinner too, okay?”

Sebastian grins back at her and walks off, already texting Kimi asking if he can call. Hanna sits on the floor, taking a gulp of her wine. D _on't forget to make time for me and the kids too_ , she wanted to say.

 

* * *

As promised, that weekend Sebastian finds himself in Austria with Kimi watching his team compete in the Motocross tournament. As soon as they spoke on the phone, it was as if nothing had ever happened between them. They were both happy to see each other and couldn't wait to spend time together just like they had before Kimi retired.

Kimi's team manages a double podium and Sebastian even gets to try out one of the team's bikes- drag racing Kimi down a dirt road and Kimi laughed at him when he pouted because he lost. However, Sebastian felt a lot better when Kimi slung an arm round his shoulders and invited him to dinner in the city that evening- just the two of them.

It was nice to have a dinner alone with Kimi- something they had only done a few times during Kimi's F1 career. They hashed out some plans for the rest of the week before he'd have to head to Canada a week on Tuesday. They'd decided to go on a hike on the Tuesday because it was supposed to be really hot that day and there was a great trail near Sebastian's house and Hanna had promised to make them all dinner, so it would be easy to do on the same day. Then on Friday and Saturday Kimi was free to play badminton and to go to the Sauna.

The whole flight back from Austria to Switzerland was filled with catching up and talking a bit about the season Seb was having. Kimi told him that he'd been following him every race and gave him some reassurance and pointers- showing him clips from races and qualifying were he could improve. In turn, Sebastian asked about Kimi's life away from F1 and how had he managed to buff himself up so much? Kimi laughed and jokingly flexed his muscles but explained to him that he built muscle easily but because he had to be light for the competitive and ridiculously low weights of F1 that he had to restrict he exercising.

 

On the Tuesday, Kimi arrived at his house before 8am and Sebastian fed him some muesli and ignored Kimi's and Hanna's ridicule, laughing at him as he meticulously checked that they both had the right supplies for the hike. As they set off, he noted that the weatherman was right, already the air felt dry of moisture and the sun was already beating down on them quite strongly.

As they pulled into the parking lot of at the start of the trail, he made sure that both he and Kimi had applied enough sunscreen and had plenty water before setting off for the 3 hour hike. As Kimi was trying to rub the sunscreen into his neck and shoulders, Sebastian leaned over and placed a big dollop right down his nose and laughed as Kimi shrieked and cried out that Sebastian had caught his sun glasses. However, that didn't stop him from slapping a splodge of sunscreen right in the dip between Sebastian's collarbone and neck. This time it was Seb who cried, wiggling out of Kimi's grasp and Kimi laughed, reaching across again.

Sebastian laughed but was also whining as Kimi mercilessly tickled him in his sensitive spot. “Kimi! Stop that! It's really really tickly!”

Kimi smiled madly at him, “Well duh! That's why I'm doing it Sebby! I love watching you squirm like this.”

Sebastian wriggled out of his grip, grinning naughtily and spoke without thinking, “Yeah I know you do.”

He stopped still the minute the words had left his mouth and Kimi also froze as the air around them suddenly grew thick with a tension- awkward or something else- threatening to break their ignorance is bliss attitude.

Kimi cleared his throat, “Right... Well, we better get a move on. Don't want to be out here when the sun gets too hot- you know how I burn easily.”

Sebastian stopped staring, “Um- yeah of course. Sorry- let's get going then! I'll just...lock the car.”

 

Overall the hike is enjoyable and an hour and a quarter in they find a small waterfall and rock pool that is just big enough to swim in. Immediately, Kimi starts stripping off and jumps unashamed into the cold water, sighing happily at the contrast to the hot, dry air. Sebastian blushes fire truck red and tries to not blatantly stare at his best friends naked body and he stands for a few minutes in his boxers looking around nervously.

“Seb!” Kimi cries out from the water below, “What are you doing just standing there?! C'mon in you dork!”

Sebastian face is burning with embarrassment, “But Kimi- what is someone comes along and sees?”

Kimi rolls his eyes and lays back, swimming in circles, “Oh come on Seb- we came off the trail far enough that not a lot of people will follow and it's not like we haven't seen each other naked before. So just _get in._ ”

Resigned he sighs and finally pulls off his CK's, glancing around them before jumping into the waters below. The both of them swim about lazily for a while, enjoying their peaceful surroundings and forgetting about the outside world for a while.

He had tried to start a little water fight with Kimi as revenge for the tickle episode earlier but once again it had ended with them being nearly nose to nose in an awkward and uncomfortable naked wrestle in the water. It was clear that despite them sorting out their differences there was still some unresolved tensions between them and the fact that they couldn't be as close as they used to without it getting awkward was proof of it.

Not wanting to ruin the hike, they both ignored the unanswered questions and continued on their way, finally reaching the end of the trail just before noon. Silently, they both admired the view from the high vantage point as they ate some lunch. Below they had a view of Lake Zurich and the surrounding mountains that reflected off into the large, glistening body of water below. Unable to resist, Sebastian took a few photo's on his camera (he quite enjoyed photography as a hobby) and then shyly asked if he could take a couple of Kimi, with and without the picturesque backdrop.

Kimi laughed at him and ruffled his hair, “Of course you can Seb! You're one of the very few people I will willingly pose for a photo for.”

Sebastian laughed but ducked his head and blushed nonetheless. He took a variety of photographs with Kimi, making sure he looked just right, relishing at the chance to run his fingers through his soft blond hair and brush his fingers across his cheeks and down his nose. He blushed as he caught Kimi looking at him intensely at one of the moments where his fingers accidentally brushed Kimi's lips, pulling the bottom one slightly with his thumb and later as they scrolled through them, he couldn't stop his breath from catching as Kimi's handsome figure was shown off.

Even Kimi himself was impressed by how well Sebastian had managed to capture him. But then begged to have a shot of taking pictures of Sebastian himself. Rolling his eyes, Sebastian agreed knowing that he could hardly ever say no to Kimi.

The photo's weren't as good as the ones that he's taken but they were still special all the same. In fact, his favourite photo from the whole day was one that Kimi had taken. It was of the both of them, camera turned to face them, he had his head slightly tilted back in laughter and his right hand was holding Kimi's shoulder. Kimi was just smiling at him softly, arm around his waist. He planned on printing that one out and putting it in his album for sure.

 

* * *

Later on in the evening, Minttu finally arrived with Rianna and Robin at the Vettel household and both mothers smile fondly as their children run off to play together. Minttu warmly embraces Hanna, they haven't seen each other since Christmas the year previously and they actually get along very well. After a while of Hanna gushing over Minttu's round belly and talking to her about the baby on the way, they both decided to finally get out the hallway.

Minttu hands Hanna the bottle of wine and flowers she brought along as they both walk into the kitchen. Minttu looks quickly into the front room and frowns, “Where's my husband and yours?”

Hanna laughs, “Oh they've been up in the games room since they got back from their bloody hike. Honestly, you'd think they hadn't seen each other in years not months.”

Minttu hums, sipping her pink lemonade. “Well... at least we can be happy that they've made up now, huh?”

Hanna nods and smiles brilliantly at her friend, “Yes, thank god. I was starting to get a bit fed up of Sebastian moping about. Was Kimi the same?”

Minttu nods,laughing, “Oh my god, yes! Every time I mentioned Sebastian he sulked! He kept watching races and pouting when Seb came on the screen and then when I said, 'Should we go visit him at a race?' Kimi huffed and said, No!”

Hanna snorted, “That's so Kimi isn't it. Both of them actually, stubborn as mules.”

They both stand in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of their kids playing in the other room. Hanna chews her lips for a minute before asking, “Do you know...you know?”

Minttu frowns, confused. “Do I know what?” She suddenly looks concerned, placing a hand on Hanna's, “Is everything alright with you and Sebastian?”

Hanna flinches a little but shakes her head, “No we're fine now, we did have a fight for a while but we made up.” She flushed hot thinking about their recent nights of love making but pushes the memories from her mind. “No, I mean... Do you know why they were fighting? The boys? They were fine until Abu Dhabi but then... something changed.”

Minttu nods, mulling over it in her head. She had her suspicions, her husband may be hard to read but his best friend was an open book, but didn't want to voice some of them to Hanna. “No, I think maybe Sebastian was just upset about Kimi's retirement and Kimi was frustrated that his best mate couldn't support his decision. But I don't think it matters now, as long as they've made up.”

Hanna smiles and shrugs her shoulders, gently lifting her hand out from under Minttu's. “I suppose. Now do you want to make a start on dinner? It's already nearly 7 o'clock.”

 

After playing F1 2018 for the past few hours, Kimi whines that his back is sore and he's thirsty, so they decided to finally go downstairs and greet their wives. Sebastian grabs them both a drink, while Kimi goes over and kisses Minttu's cheek, a hand coming across to rub over her round stomach and she smiles gently at him.

A pang of jealously shoots through him but Sebastian ignores it, pushing a beer into Kimi's hand and invites him out into the garden to watch the amazing view of the slow emergence of twilight from his home.

Although they are both happier to be talking again, Sebastian still feels this sense of discomfort that didn't exist between them before Abu Dhabi. It's upsetting for him almost, he just wants to go back to how it felt before between them, easy and safe, just two best friends enjoying time together. He knows that Kimi must feel this too if his occasional sighing is anything to go by.

Finally the sun sets and Sebastian decides that he can't take the tension any more, he just wants Kimi's full and utter forgiveness, not to be mad at him any more. In the dimly lit garden, the electricity between the two is almost palpable and his fingers are twitching, aching to just reach out and touch...

As Kimi sighs and glances over at him again, Sebastian finally addresses the elephant in the room.

“Kimi... we should talk.”

Kimi glances at him quickly before looking away, “About what Sebastian?”

Inside, his heart aches a little harder, “You _know_ what.” He nearly yells, fists clenched tight, “About what happened between us... In Japan, in... _Abu Dhabi?”_

Kimi shrugs and then looks at him square on, his piercing blue/green eyes cutting into his soul. “You were there, what happened simply just....” He huffed, arms dropping hopelessly by his side, “It just happened and nothing will change that.”

Almost hesitant and afraid to ask, he needs to know if he's mad, if he really has forgiven him. Sebastian peels the label on the condensation covered bottle. “So...what happened, in Abu Dhabi...You're not....?”

Kimi suddenly turns away and keeps his eyes ahead, staring at the horizon, “I didn't think you wanted to remember what happened. You weren't there when I woke up so I just assumed it was a mistake...”

Sebastian blushes and glances back towards the kitchen- where through the French doors he can see their respective wives chatting as they cook. Shame and guilt rushes through him and he sighs before replying. “I just felt embarrassed and guilty, y'know? You're not the one I'm married to. I'm not even ga-” He stops and finally Kimi turns to face him, “It was nothing....right? It was just a drunken mistake.”

For a second, Sebastian thinks he sees something flash across Kimi's eyes before he smiles gently at him and knocks his shoulder with his own. “Look, it's over and it won't happen again...right?”

Sebastian nods but for some reason he feels like he's lying and his heart sinks in his chest. As he glances over at Kimi through his lashes, he sees it again- right there! That look of hurt and confusion that causes a knot to form in Sebastian's stomach and this pressure to press down on his chest.

Eager to move on from such an awkward- not to mention risky, as their wives are at the end of the garden- topic. Tentatively he moves closer to his friend and their arms brush, looking up at Kimi's puzzled face he asks, “Will you please come to a race then? Now we've made up?”

Kimi scoffs and takes a drink of beer, shaking his head. Sebastian groans, “Oh c'mon Kimi! How about your favourite, Spa?!” he sings, jokingly nudging his elbow into Kimi's side.

Kimi shakes his head again, turning so his full body is facing Sebastian's own. Gently but firmly his hands come to hold his elbows and once again he holds eye contact with him. “Sebastian...” he sighs, “I'm not coming back, okay? Ever. You know why I don't want to go back to that... _atmosphere_ , that political playground that nearly made me hate racing because it just ground me down over the years.”

Sebastian cannot help but screw his face up, his eyes burning at the thought of the pain that politics in F1 had done to someone so kind and loving as Kimi. He cups Kimi's neck with his hand and smiles when Kimi instinctively leans into it. “Kimi, listen, nothing's going to hurt you as a spectator, I promise. All you'll have to do is watch me race and deal with being shown on the tv a few times. If you don't want to talk to anyone, you don't have to.”

Shaking his head, Kimi takes Sebastian's hand from his neck and holds it for a moment, both of them just waiting, watching the other. Before...

“Boys! Come in, dinner's ready!” Hanna calls from the top of the garden, breaking the trance.

Sebastian steps back, dropping Kimi's hand as if burnt and smiles towards his wife, “Coming Liebe!”

In silence they walk up the garden path and just before they walk inside, he feels a tug as Kimi catches his arm, pulling him back to him for a second.

“Come to dinner with me on Saturday.” Kimi murmurs, leaning his head in close and Sebastian licks his lips as Kimi's line of sight flicks down to watch his mouth. They're so close that he can feel Kimi's breath fanning across his cheeks

“I don't know if that's a good idea.” He whispers back, watching his friends face fall about to say something but he cuts him off. “But- If you don't mind, we could come up to you for dinner? Hanna, the kids and me?”

And Kimi smiles at him once again, a fleeting glint of his perfect teeth behind his lips. “That's perfect.” He replies and pushes him inside the kitchen where they enjoy a nice night together with their families.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the latest chapter. Please feel free to give me some feedback and if you're new here, some kudos! :P


	7. You Give It All But I want More (Pt.2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy that i've had no time to update or write more of this fic :( Moving countries to work is hard and so stressful. 
> 
> Anyway, enough of my excuses :P This chapter is a continuation of the previous chapter (so you might want to re-read chap 6 before this) and it's filled with more silly simi but it is a bit longer than the previous one, I think.
> 
> I also want to just say how shocked I was to hear about our presidente, Sergio Marchionne's, passing this week- it's so sad, he really brought Ferrari back to where it is today after Montezemolo. Hopefully the boys and team will make him proud this weekend, it's going to be tough for them.

**May 2019 (Pt. 2)**

Over the next few days Sebastian spends time with his girls. They do fun stuff together like swimming and he takes Matilda to her dance classes and Emilie to karting. Hanna and him are getting on better than ever, each night he finds himself reaching out to her and losing himself in her arms, both of them swallowing each others moans so not to wake the girls.

When Hanna's sister, Sofia, comes to visit from home on the Thursday, even she notices the difference from the last time she seen them. In fact, she is convinced that they're hiding another baby from the family but awkwardly Hanna has to tell her that they're not trying at the moment, glancing nervously at Sebastian across the kitchen table but he says nothing, eating his porridge, not making eye contact as he scrolls through twitter.

He has the delight of watching said sister-in-law blush Ferrari red when Kimi comes round on Friday to play badminton with him. Sebastian was busy looking for his lucky sports top and Hanna was taking the girls for a haircut, so Sofia had to answer the door.

He was almost worried when he heard her call out his name in a strangled manner but when he got to the door and seen her face and Kimi's confused one, he couldn't help but laugh his ass off.

Sofia huffed, stepping aside to let Kimi in and then stepped over to jab him in the stomach. “Stop laughing asshole.” She growled at him but that only made him laugh harder.

“Your face Sofia! Has someone got a crush?!” He cackled, ignoring her glares. “Christ, I don't think I've ever seen someone blush so hard before!” He teases.

“I can Sebby.” Kimi pipped up, smirking and he stopped laughing, nervous.

“Now... Kimi, my dear friend. Let's not start saying things, ok?” He warned, standing up and trying to look menacing.

Kimi rolled his eyes and flung himself down on the sofa, unphased. “Go ahead Seb. I don't give a shit, I don't get embarrassed as easily as you do. Now, Sofia-”

She hummed sitting on the arm of the sofa, staring intently at Kimi. “Yes Kimi?”

Kimi looked at Sebastian, smiling and then turned back to Sofia. “Have you ever heard of the story about Sebastian after the Spanish Grand Prix?”

She shook her head and Sebastian's mouth suddenly got very dry. He wouldn't... would he? “Kimi... I'm warning you.” He said warily, pointing his finger at him.

Kimi ignored him, “Well, the year was 2009 and Sebastian was a bit gutted that he only got fourth in the race after qualifying 2nd. I also had a shit race and we both decided that the remedy was to go out, get drunk and have a good time. So, baby Sebby here decided that he was going to visit a strip club for the first time- could you believe it, an F1 driver who hadn't been to a strip club at the age of 22?! Anyway, we got there and obviously started drinking- now when I say strip club, you say...”

Sofia looked at him confused, “Chauvinist? Leering at women because you can?”

Kimi barked out a laugh but shook his head, “No, lap dance!” He said, spreading his arms out as though he was advertising an infomercial product. “Anyways, I got him nice and drunk because we all know what a shy, delicate flower Sebby is and then I went to one of the dancers and asked to set up a little...something for him. Next thing I know, he's taken to the stage and is yelling about how he's going to show everyone-”

“Right! That's quite enough Kimi!” He yelled in a panic and pounced onto his lap, covering his mouth with his hand, muffling his speech.

Sofia groaned, “Aw Sebastian! C'mon, it can't be that bad!”

Sebastian shook his head, “No it really is. Now go away so I can spend time with my friend.”

Defeated, she went upstairs and Sebastian turned to Kimi, slapping him hard on the arm. “Kimi!” He growled, “You're such a bastard, I'll get you back for that.”

Kimi smiled cheekily, “As if. That'll teach you to laugh at people who think I'm hot as fuck.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and got up, pulling Kimi with him. “Dream on _Iceman_. Now, let me find my shirt so I can whip your ass on the court today.”

Kimi snorted, “You still won't beat me. You say you will every time but you still can't.”

“Well, I will this time old man!” Sebastian called back from the hallway, “I bet you I will win and you have to come to a race this year. Deal?”

Kimi laughed and walked into the hall where Sebastian finally was ready and waiting for him, “Only because I know i'll beat you- deal. But if I win, I want an ice cream.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, shoving him out of the door, “Always the fucking ice cream with you.”

 

* * *

Of course he lost the match and he ignored Kimi's gloating as they sat outside an ice cream parlour in the town centre. A few fans had came up to them both and asked for pictures and autographs which they were both only too happy to provide. While they were sitting, they chatted about things that weren't really too important. Just easy things like tv and something silly that Kimi had read on the internet about paddock rumours.

When they got home and had a coffee, Kimi had to leave to pick up Robin from his ice hockey practice. Before he left, they finalised their plans for dinner on Saturday and as Kimi hugged him goodbye, he felt that comfort that had been missing between them for a while. Sighing, he sunk into his embrace and smiled as Kimi pressed a soft kiss to the side of his head.

“See you tomorrow Sebby.” He whispered as he unfurled himself from his body.

“Bye Kimi.” He muttered softly, watching him leave with a smile on his face.

He heard a throat clear behind him, jumping in fright he turned to see Sofia staring at him strangely from the top of the stairs. “You two are pretty close huh?”

Sebastian blushed, shrugging his shoulders “Yeah, we're really good friends and have been for 16 years. We're like family. We love each other.”

Sofia raises her eyebrows but nodded, descending the stairs. “Cool, I just didn't realise how close you guys were. Y'know? Didn't know that Kimi knew how to show emotion like that.” She laughs.

Sebastian cannot help but feel a bit offended for him by that, “Yeah well he's different to what people say he is in real life. You just have to know him.” He bites back.

Sofia holds her hands up in surrender, “Woah, calm down Seb. I was just kidding, I'm sorry.”

He shakes his head, a bit embarrassed that he over reacted, “No it's me, I was being dramatic, sorry.”

She smiled at him and told him to go bathe because he stunk and he laughed but did so nonetheless. He filled up the tub with a smile, ready to wash away all his troubles and relax after a hard work out with Kimi.

As he bathed he let his mind wander, it was nice to just relax and take a break from thinking 24/7 about racing and trying to win. He thought about his break so far, the time he'd been spending with his kids, his wife and his healing relationship with Kimi. He still knew that they weren't 100% yet but he hoped that with time, they'd forget what happened.

But then a part of him, deep in his mind didn't _want_ to forget. This part in the back of his brain that took over his mind whenever he was around Kimi, that had always been there but was hyperactive ever since Kimi announced his retirement.

It was this part of his mind that brought back the memories of Kimi in the dark of night. Those moments of intimacy they'd shared- how he smiled at him; how he made Sebastian feel; what he looked like in the throes of passion... how he'd tasted.

Once again his body starts to tingle from his head, down his spine and a heat pools low in his belly as _t_ _hat_ part of his brain floods him of images of Kimi. Lightly moaning, he glances down and notices that he's beginning to get hard and he can't help but run his hands lightly down the tops of his thighs, over his stomach and nipples, teasing himself to full hardness.

Trying not to make too much noise, he slips his hand into the now lukewarm water and bites his lip hard as he finally grips his length. As he beings to jerk himself off, he lets of a long shaky breath, trying not to think about Abu Dhabi and trying to ignore the devil in the back of his mind. To distract himself , he begins to think about Hanna, about her soft body and supple curves and the way she presses herself to him, arching into his touch as he makes love to her.

He imagines her touching him, taking him into her gentle hands and kissing her way across his chest. One of his own hands comes up to pinch and roll his sensitive nipples and a strangled groan slips from his mouth as he arches up into his palm, fucking into it.

Somewhere along the line, Hanna's soft curves becomes hardened muscle, her chest turns flat and as his minds eye reaches up to tangle in her hair to press his mouth to hers, he realizes that it's cropped short and his eyes fly open to see Kimi's staring back at him. Once again another moan escapes him as his true desire gets out and he feels so, so close to the edge as imaginary Kimi grins devilishly at him and takes him into his mouth. He gasps and then he's falling, breath coming in short, sharp pants as he comes into the water, desperately mouthing Kimi's name over and over like a prayer.

He comes down from his high and shame rushes over him. He holds his breath as he listens out to hear if his sister-in-law, _who was still in his fucking house_ , had heard him get off. After a minute or two he cleans up and gets out the bath, washing his shame wash down the plug. He wraps a towel round his waste, avoiding his own reflection in the wall length mirror and gets dressed.

 

At dinner, he picks at his food, stomach in knots as he waits to see if Sofia says anything to Hanna, or if she looks at him funny. Thankfully she doesn't and Sebastian, relieved, finally has his appetite back and after dinner they all eat brownies as they watch a movie together.

Later, once they're in bed, Hanna sidles up to his side, gently raking her nails over his pectorals and presses hot, opened mouthed kisses to his neck and chest. He hums and covers her mouth with his but as things begin to heat up, the shame from earlier floods back and he slows his kisses and lifts his wife off him.

Hanna huffs lightly but doesn't yet feel deterred, nibbling his neck. But once again, he sighs, moving away from her. “Not tonight Liebe. Sorry, I'm just not feeling it.”

She sighs and sits up, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. “What's wrong? You've been like a cat in heat ever since we got back from Monte Carlo? Is everything alright?” She waits for a beat, thinking before she strokes his forehead, “Did you have another fight with Kimi?”

At the mention of Kimi, his body shivers and he shakes his head quickly. “No, no. We're really good, back to normal-ish.” He kisses her softly, trying to distract her, “I'm just tired...Been a busy few days.”

Satisfied, Hanna nods and presses a kiss to his cheek before turning over and switching off the bedside light. Breathing in relief, he turns over to fall into unconsciousness, dreams filled with blonde hair and pale skin.

 

* * *

 

 

He wakes up the next morning at 6am to begin his workout with Antti. He feels uneasy about having to go over to his friends, who he'd so adamantly told they'd forget anything happened between them. Yet he didn't think Kimi would get himself off to thoughts of you, he thinks pushing through another set of reps.

By the time he moves onto the core exercises, Antti decides to stop just _looking at him funny,_ to actually asking him what's wrong.

“Seb, is something wrong?” Antti asks suspiciously.

Sebastian falls slightly out of rhythm but tries not to make it noticeable. “Nothing...” he shrugs, staring ahead at the imaginary track, “Why?”

Antti huffs, “You look very pale and you keep making a face... like you have a cramp or injury somewhere.”

Sebastian lets out a little laugh, “No.. I'm okay. I just keep thinking about...the season?”

Antti's eyes narrow and he pushes down on the weight Sebastian is using as a steering wheel, making him work harder to keep balance. “Okay. I believe you.... _this time._ ”

Sebastian holds his breath as Antti stares coldly into his eyes and he can't help but gulp. “We're done for today, don't eat too much at Kimi's tonight. And NO drinking!” He calls as he turns his back and packs up the equipment.

 

Finally they arrive at Kimi's just after 7pm and he can't help but feel a bit sick as he stands clutching a bottle of red wine in his hands. He feels like Kimi's going to know somehow, of what he did after he left him yesterday, like the words ' _I fantasised about you in my bath yesterday_ ' are going to be written across his shirt.

“-eb? Seb?!” He hears someone call, he turns to see Hanna looking at him aghast, one arm full of the girls backpacks and the other trying to cope with their two kids fighting over who gets to hold their mama's hand.

“Sorry!” he says, running quickly over to grab Emilie and dragging her over to the door with him. He ignores her stamping her foot in annoyance and promises her she can stay up later if she behaves tonight.

When Hanna comes over to stand with them at the door, there's a awkward, perhaps even funny moment where they both just stand staring at the modern oak door in front of them. Eventually Hanna clears her throat, giving him a pointed look and holding her full arms up.

“Oh!” He blushes, knocking on the door, “Sorry, I just wasn't thinking there!”

Hanna looks at him funny, “Are you sure you're feeling okay Seb? If something has happened... I mean if you two have had another argument then we don't have to be here.”

“Oh no! No, we're good, I'm just feeling a bit all over the place today.” He laughs nervously and rubs the back of his neck, “Just...one of those days!”

Hanna opens her mouth to reply but is interrupted by Minttu opening the door.

“Hello everyone!” She smiles at them warmly, placing a kiss on all their cheeks. “Please come in and I'll take you coats for you!”

The girls are the first to dump their jackets and run off to find their friends while Sebastian and Hanna blush at their manners, picking up their jackets from Minttu who's too pregnant to even see her own feet never mind bend down to pick up coats from the floor.

“Sorry Minttu,” Hanna says gently, taking off her own jacket and handing it to Sebastian who has all the other coats.

“Please, don't worry. Robin and Rianna are just the same.” She laughs girlishly, “Here Seb, let me take the coats and then I'll get Kimi to give you guys a drink.”

“No it's alright, I can get them and you two can go and sit down and talk. I'll get Kimi and tell him you want drinks.” They all laugh and Minttu reluctantly lets him take everything from her arms.

While they walk -or rather Minttu waddles- into the front room, he hangs up the coats and backpacks into the small cloakroom that the Raikkonen's have nearby the front door and mentally takes a minute to get his act together before facing his friend.

As he wanders through the long corridor, he almost finds it funny that he knows Kimi's house pretty much as well as his own, since they'd been friends for so long and Kimi had never moved the whole time he knew him.

He reaches the spacious kitchen and he leans against the door frame, admiring the image that Kimi is cutting faced with his back to him, the gentle glow of the evening sun streaming through, highlighting his, now much buffer silhouette. He sighs quietly and lets his gaze run across his body, from his strong broad shoulders to his legs, swamped by a pair of black track pants which are 3 times too big.

“Are you going to stand there staring for long?” Kimi asks, startling him out of his daydream.

He feels his cheeks heat up with blood as his friend comes to face him. “Very funny, I was just thinking about something.”

Kimi smirks, leaning his head to one side as they both meet at opposite sides of the marble covered breakfast island. “Hmm... like what?” Sebastian shakes his head and looks away, “Or.... should I say who?”

Sebastian rolls his eyes and flips him off, “Piss off and get us all a drink will you?” Kimi snorts but heads over the the fridge anyway. “By the way, we brought wine for dinner, so stick that in the fridge?”

Kimi gives him a sarcastic smile and a bow, snatching the bottle from his hands as Sebastian laughs and joins their wives in the living room.

 

The dinner is lovely, and they all are having a good time. Kimi and Hanna are both a bit drunk but since he and Minttu can't drink, they don't mind those two taking one for the team.

In fact, dinner is so lovely that he completely forgets why he felt so nervous about coming to dinner at Kimi's in the first place. The dark place inside of him doesn't even show its face the whole of dinner, he looks at Kimi the way he used to before, just a friend.

But of course, that was all to change when Kimi asked him to come up to his study so the girls could “gossip about us” and “we could gossip about F1.”

The second that Kimi shuts the door behind them and their arms brush as he passes him to sit down, Sebastian starts to feel nervous again, like Kimi will know he's technically already broken the agreement they made the other day. More so than that, the small evil part of his mind is starting to make him feel funny as his eyes keep accidentally dropping down to Kimi's moving mouth, eyes running over his body and making him feel a little flustered as he keeps thinking about Kimi in... _compromising ways._

“Hello? Earth to Sebastian Vettel?” Kimi calls to him, snapping his fingers and in turn pulling him out of his thoughts. “Ah yes, you are alive still. Listen, do you want a drink?”

Taking a deep breath he shakes his head, “No... I can't. Antti told me not to and I need to drive us home later.”

“Hmm.” Kimi says, looking at him through narrow eyes, “No, you'll need something stronger than a cola for what I'm about to tell you. Especially since we know what your track record is with me and announcements.”

Sebastian makes a noise of protest but is silenced by a look from Kimi and he bites his tongue and accepts the whisky on the rocks he's handed. Kimi looks at him expectantly until he takes a sip then jumps up and starts pacing in front of him.

He keeps pacing, turning a few times to say something but stops himself each time, making him look like a broken singing fish, stuck on repeat. By the time Sebastian has placed his empty crystal tumbler on the floor, his friend has finished off about 3 and has his 4th sloshing precariously in the glass.

Sick and frankly now a bit worried that Kimi won't spit it out, very unlike him, he decides enough is enough. “Right! That's it Kimi! If you don't stop prancing about the bush, then I swear to god I will leave this room.”

Finally he stills and takes a deep breath, turning to face him but his eyes are scrunched tightly shut, so he isn't looking at him. “Promise me you won't get mad Sebby?” Kimi mutters.

Suddenly, as Kimi calls him that, a shiver runs down his spine and he gets a funny feeling that something is about to happen that he won't like. “You know that's not fair Kimi. I can't promise you that, especially not since you have annoyed me with your pacing.”

“I know,” He says quietly, finally looking up at him and meeting his cerulean blue eyes. Sebastian stares right back into his steely gaze, and tries to ignore the sick feeling in his belly.

“Kimi... the last time you pulled shit like this was when you told me you were retiring and I don't think I can lose you again like I did then.” He tells him, swallowing away the dryness in his throat as both of their foreheads crease with a frown.

“Sebastian, I hope this time you'll understand that, this isn't just about me. It's for my family, there's no point in staying here now I've quit racing.”

His blood runs cold in his veins but he prays that he's not understood him correctly. “What do you mean, theirs no point? Are you moving into a smaller house?”

Kimi breathes out a laugh and shakes his head, hands settling on his hips. “Sebby, you and I both know that, I didn't mean that.” Taking a deep breath and walking slowly over to stand in front of him, Kimi places a hand on his shoulder. “We're moving back home, back to Finland to live...forever.”

Sebastian doesn't know why it feels worse than that night in Italy but this time it feels like he's been winded in a massive shunt and he doesn't know why, but all he knows is this time it hurts him that little bit more. He hates how sensitive he is at times because he's so busy being upset, furiously blinking away the tears that threaten to fall down his cheeks that he doesn't even register Kimi's hands coming to wrap around his wrists.

“Why?” He whispers, desperately searching his friends eyes for the answer. “Why now? Why not straight away if it was so important? So _essential_ for your family?”

Annoyed, he rips his wrists from Kimi's hands and goes to stand by the window, staring angrily at the street below.

“Because I wanted to do the right thing.” Kimi says to the left of him, coming to stand beside him at the window, but Sebastian refuses to look at him. “Sebby, I wanted to make sure we were okay before we moved home, so you didn't think I'd just left without saying goodbye.”

He can't help the scoff that comes out, but he's just so _angry_ and even part of him doesn't understand this jealous man who's taken his place or why he feels like he's losing something important. “Well great! Thanks so much for that Kimi. You really made sure we were okay before fucking me over one last time!”

Kimi huffs angrily, “I don't see how I'm fucking you over. I wanted to make sure we were okay! That you knew that no matter where I lived, you could always come to me. That I hadn't cut you out my life and fucked off. Why can't you see that?!”

Scowling, he finally turns to face him, “Yeah of course I see it. You've came back into my life and made it out that everything was okay, that we were back to the way it used to be but this whole time, you _knew_ that you weren't going to be sticking around for long! So don't you see, Kimi, what a shit friend your being?!”

“You know Sebastian, I really thought your days acting like a little brat were over but evidently not!” Kimi muttered furiously, throwing his arms around exasperated. “Not everything I do is about you! Yes maybe once it was like that... years ago but now I have a family, okay?! I have to always put them first and if that means moving back home, then _yes_ I will do it! I'll sacrifice being a good friend for the sake of putting my kids and my wife first!”

Shaking his head, cheeks flushed with anger and fists clenched, Sebastian fights to keep himself under control and saying something he'll regret. “I agree that family is priority but Kimi c'mon! Robin has already started school here and Rianna is in nursery now. So how can it be in their best interests? Why can't you just stick around?”

“Don't-” Kimi snaps. “Don't you dare. You don't know what's best for my kids. You just want me to suddenly change my mind because you still need me in order to give you emotional and mental support to win!”

Bristling at the comment, Sebastian stand up a little straighter as Kimi's comment hits a bit closer to home. “Why do we always fight these days? We never used to be like this. You were the only person I would never get mad at or jealous of?!”

Kimi sighs and suddenly Sebastian can see how tired and how much older he looks now. “It's been all wrong between us for a while now. I just... I don't know how we can fix it? It was easier before, when it was only me that lov-”

“Before Japan.” Sebastian cuts him off, looking out of the window, too ashamed to face Kimi. “Before we did... what we did in Abu Dhabi...”

They stand in silence for a moment and Sebastian feels something bubbling up inside him and he fears that its a confession that will come out and ruin everything but he finds himself unable to stop it.

“Look Kimi,” He says, finally turning back to face him, “I can't do this any more. I know what we agreed... but I can't. It keeps me up at night-”

“Me too.” Kimi says, looking down at his feet, “So I think you're right, we can't pretend so we should take some time away from each other, so we can get back to normal.”

Sebastian's heart falls all the way to the bottom of his stomach and in his head he chants, ' _no, no, no',_ over and over again. This isn't what he meant... he wanted to tell Kimi that he couldn't stop thinking about him and that's why he couldn't do it. That he wanted him to stay before he was starting to feel something more than just casual attraction towards him but...

“I'm sorry Seb.” Kimi whispers, patting him gently on the arm. For what he is saying sorry for, Sebastian doesn't know. Sorry I don't want you? Sorry I made a mistake? Sorry I've made you begin to fall for me but I've decided I don't feel the same?

Stinging with rejection and feeling his eyes sting with tears, he pulls Kimi into his arms for a hug, one last time and lets out a quiet sob as Kimi presses a kiss to his head.

“Here,” Kimi whispers holding out a folded bit of paper, “It's our address in Finland, just in case you ever lose you way. Okay?”

Nodding, he clutches the bit of paper in his fist like a lifeline as he turns his back to walk away from his closest friend and perhaps someone he was beginning to love.

As he walks down the corridor he hears a crash coming from the study and a cry of something Finnish and he has to fight the urge to turn back.

 

He finds the kids and goes to get Hanna from the front room. As he walks in, they stop talking and turn to face him, glancing at the girls dressed to go. Guess they heard them arguing then.

“Sorry Minttu, but we should get going. It's getting late and the girls have to be in bed soon.”

“But Daddy you said I could stay up late if I behaved!” pipped up Emilie, tugging on his coat sleeve.

“Ok, sure you will sweetie.” Hanna said, reading the tension on her husband's face. Turning to Minttu she hugged her and apologised, but Minttu didn't mind and walked them to the door.

At the door Robin and Rianna stood chatting away to the girls and as they hugged goodbye, Minttu pulled him into a warm embrace. “I hope you figure it out, you two.” She whispered into his ear, “Please come and visit us in Finland, both of you shouldn't let distance get between you.”

Drawing back, Sebastian looked at Minttu, who's sharp green eyes were staring back at him. Did she know? Or was she just guessing something happened?

Placing a hand over her round stomach, he kisses her cheek. “Good luck with the baby Minttu.”

Ruffling the Raikkonen kids hair, the Vettel family left Villa Butterfly for the last time.

 

* * *

After their latest confrontation Sebastian and Kimi don't speak for months. Sebastian doesn't visit Finland- he tells himself its because of his busy racing schedule but really its because he's a coward and doesn't want to fight with Kimi anymore, because he knows that he'll be unable to stop himself from letting his feelings slip out.

The only communication they have is a congratulations when Minttu gives birth to Kimi's 3rd child which they name Rosalia- Rosa for short and when Sebastian loses any hope of winning the championship in the second last race of the 2019 season.

He tries not to think about Kimi, about how he misses him and his voice and his soul-piercing eyes that make his stomach flutter and his heart race. He tries to ignore how his eyes sting with tears and his heart aches without him. In the moments where he can't stop his mind from associating things with Kimi, he feels so sad that it makes him cry. Late at night when his mind runs wild and he can't sleep, Sebastian feels sick as he represses his urges to phone him, to dream of him and to think of him when he shouldn't.

Kimi doesn't want you, he'll never love you like you love him, he tells himself and each time the pain in his chest worsens.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my faithful readers, oh how these boys need to get over their own problems and stop fighting. Sorry if all the fighting annoys you lot but I just feel both characters would be so stubborn and hopefully it'll make more sense as the fic goes on as to why they're both a bit OOC. 
> 
> I will try and post the next chapter as soon as I can. Preferably before I move but I can promise nothing.


	8. Lay all your Love on Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so finally I'm updating- and today we're all finally finding out just what happened in Abu Dhabi that meant Kimi and Seb fell out for months. :)   
> Seb's strong reaction here is inspired by the fact that according to Aki Hinstsa, he cried and asked his then physio, Tommi Pärmäkoski not to go when Tommi and Seb parted ways in 2011.

November 2018

It's a hot muggy night at the Yas Marina circuit when Kimi has his last race. Sebastian cannot help but remain as close to him as he can all weekend because he wants to enjoy every moment, knowing it will be his last. It also helps that Kimi does his usual thing of sticking to his side like glue.

 As the anthem plays and the jumbo jet flies over them, colouring the sky, he finds his eyes seeking out Kimi's figure farther down the line. He watches, with a slight grin as Kimi cranes his head up to admire the display before his gaze drops to catch Sebastian's own. As they stare at each other, Kimi's eyes burning back at him, the sound of the noisy atmosphere around them fades to a ring in his ears. Until an accidental knock from Max breaks the trance. Blushing like a schoolgirl, he looks away before the heat of Kimi's gaze makes him turn back.

The anthem ends and everyone goes back towards their grid-slots but Sebastian manages to bump into Kimi in the middle. Laughing, Kimi nudges him with his shoulder as he stops at P3 and Sebastian smiles back, grabbing the sleeve of his fire suit as Kimi turns to head down to P5.

“Good luck.” Seb says softly, as Kimi turns back to face him.

Kimi just smirks and squeezes his hand once, both of them ignoring the camera stuck in their faces “Thanks Seb. I'll see you up on the podium, yeah?”

Unable to help himself, he laughs and shoves him away, still grinning as he slides into his helmet.

 

 

 Oddly enough, for once in his life, luck seems to be on Kimi's side and he does manage to make it to the podium (very Webber-esque) as the Ferrari duo of Kimi Räikkönen and Sebastian Vettel get their last 1-2 together.

As usual in the cool down room they stick very close together, drawn to each other like magnets, savoring the last time that it'll be like this.

Lewis smiles and pulls Kimi into a hug as he comes up to them, “Congratulations man, on your career and everything. We're gonna miss you around here, you know.”

Kimi gives him a crooked smile back, as he pats his arm, knowing that the Mercedes driver was being very genuine after expressing his disappointment at his retirement since it was announced. “Thanks Lewis, that means a lot.”

 As they all descend into a bit of an awkward silence and try hard not to stare at the camera's intruding in their moment, Kimi turns his back from everyone, hiding himself to gaze out at the crowd through the window.

Kimi almost seems nervous, Sebastian notes. He's fidgeting like mad and keeps rubbing his neck. Fondly, he throws his arm around his team mates shoulders and pulls him to his side, smiling as they're called onto the podium.

Down below, as the anthems play Sebastian can see more than just one of the team getting quite emotional as they crowd around the barriers and Sebastian just wants to hug everyone as Stefania hugs a teary Maurizio smiling up at his boys and Sebastian is almost certain that Kimi has to wipe away a tear after hugging him post-picture.

 

When they get inside again, after the trophy ceremony and the door behind them shuts, muffling the noise from the masses outside, it suddenly hits him that he'll never get to experience that with Kimi ever again. And suddenly he can't help the tears that escape his eyes.

He is successfully hiding it, facing the wall away from everyone but as soon as Kimi taps his shoulder and asks if he's alright, Sebastian finds that he can't stop them from falling harder.

When he turns Kimi takes one look at him and then he's sobbing, face pressed against Kimi's hard chest, soaking his fire proofs. He doesn't care who sees him, let the millions watch him on TV.

He doesn't care who's in the room, screw them because this is the end of an era, and Sebastian doesn't want to let him go. He looks up at his best friends face, his own is wet with tears and his eyes are red and puffy.

Kimi hushes him and gently brushes his tears away as Sebastian leans his head back onto his chest. “Can you not stay?” He whispers quietly like a child, voice wobbling. “Please, can you not just stay for a little while longer Kimi?”

When he looks up again he's almost surprised to see that Kimi's own eyes are brimming with tears- unaware that his words piercing his 'icecold' heart. Tenderly, Kimi strokes a stray curl from his eyes and thinks about how young and vulnerable Sebastian looks in this moment.

“No.” He whispers, his voice cracking at the reality of the situation- this is his final resignation. He pulls Sebastian close again, ignoring the camera's and Matteo trying to get them to the conference.

“No I can't.”

 

* * *

In the post race press conference, Kimi reiterates that this is his last time in the F1 paddock. That he's never coming to F1 or even the paddock because of the atmosphere, which is _“suffocating and superficial to the point its almost comical._ ”

He then takes it even further and declares that he won't be encouraging either of his kids to get into it either much to Sebastian's surprise, since he's already bought Robin a kart for his Christmas, with Minttu's blessing.

Because it's Kimi they don't have that big a celebration since he's low key and prefers to do things out of the public eye, they only hold a small party to send him off and he laughs at as he hugs crying members of his crew, who've known him since his Sauber and McLaren days.

“Hey! I'm not dying you know?” He cries at one point, as his front jackman wraps him in a bear hug, lifting him off the floor, “I'll still be coming to Maranello for Christmas lunch!”

They all laugh and congregate into different groups, scattered throughout the club as the drink flows and the entire time Sebastian sticks by Kimi's side, watching him blush, embarrassed as yet another person from the paddock comes up to congratulate him and to wish him well. Unthinkingly, they both keep buying drinks and not counting them and Kimi is no light-weight but Sebastian feels himself get more and more intoxicated with every sip from his glass and soon the world is spinning and he's clutching close to Kimi to stay upright.

He ignores the teasing he gets when people come up to them, laughing as they joke about how "little sebby's getting lucky tonight", because they're all just as bad as each other. Kimi's hand which lays on the bottom of his back, just above the waist band of his jeans, burns hot against him skin through his shirt but never leaves him. They dance and laugh and cry a bit as they wish his team mate and best friend a happy retirement.

 

It's 4am when they call it a night, partly because they all have press obligations or flights tomorrow but Sebastian doesn't want to leave his friends side and this is proven when he whimpers, letting his body go dead weight like a toddler throwing a tantrum as Antti tries to pull him away from Kimi and into a taxi with himself.

Kimi snickers at his protests but takes him off Antti's hands and promises that he can go back with Charles and himself. The taxi ride is not _exactly_ awkward but he has an idea that Charles feels like he is watching his parents feel each other up drunkenly as Sebastian nuzzles Kimi's neck and presses wet kisses there.

He can almost imagine Charles' wide eyes and gaping mouth as Kimi smiles over to him and shrugs, “Sebi's just a bit of an affectionate drunk.” But Seb's pretty sure that everyone sitting in the taxi could hear him muffle a moan as Sebatian's hand pressed too high up his inner thigh, slightly brushing his jean zipper.

Coughing with a deep blush across his face and neck, Kimi shoves Sebastian lightly off him and pulls at his jeans. Sebastian smiles over at the young Monegasque and puts an arm around him, kissing his cheek. “Don't worry kid,” He slurs, eyes glassy as Charles looks worriedly over his shoulder to Kimi.

Both Ferrari drivers laugh, “Calm down Charles, I'm not going to feel you up like Kimi, I just wanted to let you know that your our boy.” He grins pleased and presses another kiss to his face. “Isn't that right liebe?!” He shouts back to Kimi.

“Of course.” Kimi mutters, acting as though he is bored of Sebastian's nonsense but he knows that Kimi is softly smiling over at the future world champion.

 

When they finally arrive back at the hotel, they bundle into _(well,_ Sebastian falls into) the elevator and drop their 'boy' off at his floor. As they get onto their own floor Kimi decides to walk him to his room but Sebastian stops in protest outside of Kimi's door, still not wanting the night to end and Kimi reluctantly agrees to a sleepover, shaking his head as he mutters, “ _For god sake we're grown men.”_

When they walk into the room, Sebastian flops down to sit on the floor, in front of the balcony doors and watches Kimi's reflection in the glass as he pours himself some water. This moment of normalcy, of Kimi doing the simplest thing makes his breath catch and his heart pang with a sense of bitter sweetness. It'll never be like this again, him and his teammate, his _best friend_ casually relaxing after a night of celebration, post race. Time suddenly feels like it's robbed him of a large part of his life, taking those 15 years of knowing one another, of racing together and travelling together away in one fell swoop.

He's so caught up in his thoughts and emotions that he doesn't even notice Kimi laying down beside him. It's only when he looks at him, his vision blurry that Sebastian realises that he's crying again. Kimi's hard gaze stares back at him and Sebastian feels embarrassed, a silly little kid who can't stop crying because his favourite toy's been taken away.

He ducks his head, staring down at his lap to watch as his tears drop onto his jeans and make them wet. He bites hard down on his lip as he tries to stem the flow but they still fall steadily and soon he feels a hand come under his chin and it pulls him up to look back at Kimi's face.

Kimi's eyes are red and his hand trembles as up comes up to brush the tears away from his face before he cradles Seb's head in his hands. They both stare at the other, barely even blinking and not daring to look away and break the moment.

Sebastian wonders what Kimi's eyes are trying to tell him as they hold his gaze and as he sees the shadow of his own reflection in Kimi's pupils, he wonders what Kimi sees in his own.

“Seb I-” Kimi starts, unconsciously leaning his head closer as Sebastian's head automatically begins tilting to the side in response- stopping as his lips are inches from his own. Sebastian can't breathe, his tendons ache in his neck from tensing, as they both start breathing heavily into each others face.

He glances down to see Kimi's tongue darting out to lick his lips, feeling his hot breath on his slightly open mouth.

“Please...” Sebastian whimpers, not knowing what he's asking for.

Kimi surges forward like a water breaking down a dam and captures Sebastian's full lips with his own. Sebastian whines at the familiar comfort of Kimi's warm lips pressed against his own and he notes that he can taste both Kimi's and his own tears.

Their mouths slide against one another’s as every part of them fits itself into it's counterpart, like a perfect jigsaw puzzle. Sebastian cannot help but think how strange this is: Why is this happening again? How far were they willing to take this?

Kimi's tongue flicks out to brush across the seam off his mouth and with a soft moan, Seb opens his mouth to let his tongue softly caress his.

As Kimi crawls closer him, he lets himself fall backwards and Kimi straddles him, knees bracketing his hips as his lips move down onto his neck, fingers unbuttoning the top of his shirt. Restlessly, Sebastian lets his his head loll over, as his fingers scrabble for purchase on the back of Kimi's shirt.

Kimi grinds his hips down onto Sebastian and he can feel Kimi's half hard cock pressing into his groin. It's intoxicating and instinctively his body responds and he bucks up, growling low in his throat as Kimi manhandles him.

Eventually they make it from the floor up onto the bed. He refuses to have his first time having sex with a guy on the floor of his hotel room. Kimi snickers at him but agrees that the bed is more comfortable.

The experience is...different- no, its _intense_. Kimi takes him to new heights of pleasure that he'd never reached before, every touch being soft and loving, coaxing mind blowing orgasms out of his body as they fuck for the first time.

It also shows a side to Kimi that he's never seen- which is a surprise considering that Sebastian knows him better than anyone, bar his family. It is almost fascinating for him to see the Finn fall apart above him as he thrusts hard into his body, blissed out and smiling at the pleasure. The image of him in ecstasy is something unforgettable for Sebastian, and he knows that later he'll guiltily use it when he gets himself off.

They have sex once on the bed and then Kimi drags him to the shower where he takes them both in his large strong hands and jerks them off while Sebastian lets the warm water run over him, resting his head on the cool tiles behind him, unable to utter anything but a string of moaned garble.

When they fall naked back into the bed, the alcohol in their systems wearing off, Kimi hugs him close and presses his face into Sebastian's damp hair. They don't speak but they do exchange lazy kisses as they giggle over what they've just done and Sebastian is sure Kimi tells him that he loves him.

 

They sleep very little. When he wakes up, the sun is not yet at the peak of the sky but it's close. His head is pounding from the night before and an uneasy feeling sits in his stomach. He may have drunk a lot but that didn't mean he had forgotten last night- the owner of the naked body that was currently lying next to him. The guilt that hits him is enough to force the uneasy feeling up out his throat and he just makes it to the bathroom in time to vomit violently into the toilet.

As he kneels over the toilet bowl, shaking, he starts to quietly sob, the guilt racking through his body like the after shocks of an earthquake. How could he do this to his wife? To his family- his innocent little girls who thought that their daddy was the greatest in the world? Never. _Never_ had he thought about cheating on Hanna and he'd not looked at another women twice for years. But never had he thought about having sex with a guy before. What did this all mean? Was he in fact gay? Sebastian was fairly sure he wasn't but there was something about Kimi, about the whole experience that made him finally feel free and alive.

Deep down he knew that it meant something. This wasn't just an out of the blue, blind siding moment, this had been building for months- no _years_. All those drunken kisses they'd shared had meant nothing at the time, it was just mates having a laugh but since Japan a silent tension had began to bubble under the surface, ready to erupt. He thinks back to the kiss they shared in Japan, the desire that had surged through him, Kimi's frantic kisses in the elevator. Somewhere inside he knows that this isn't a mistake at all...

Rubbing his eyes furiously to dry up his tears, he glanced back into the bedroom to see if he'd woken Kimi. Thankfully, as he gazed on with fondness rushing through him, the iceman was sleeping peacefully still, splayed out against the bed. At the thought of having to confront Kimi about the incident, his palms began sweating and he felt the need to be sick again. However, he represses it and decides that it's best just to run away and forget about it. This never happened, no one needed to know about him and Kimi's little secret.

As quick as he could, he shoves on his clothes and grabs his stuff. He thinks about leaving a note but decides against it. He did however, press a soft kiss to his friends forehead, sweeping his soft blonde hair back.

“See you soon Kimi.” he whispered and walked out the room.

 

They don't talk for months after, not even when they're in Maranello for Christmas. It haunts him and the guilt he feels strains his marriage, running away from his wife every time she wants to talk.

He hates himself for it but hates the fact he wants Kimi's touch again even more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is.  
> Thanks for reading, isn't it ironic that Kimi's retirement may be way closer than we think but when I wrote this he was looking good to be renewed for another season.  
> That aside, let me know what you think and please, if you're new here- please show your support with a comment or kudos! <3


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